YES MAN !

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Greetings, loved ones. Or ciao belli, since I’m here and all. I could enable my italian speaking mode with just one hand gesture, but I won’t do that because you can’t see me, so it would be pointless. I will try to be as nice as I can in these few first lines, ’cause what I’m about to say will drive you from hero to 0, but hey, someone’s gotta do it, right? Let me be that someone. But before you start hating me, let me get things straight, I make no exception from whatever’s coming up next, if anything, I am my worst judge and my friends would agree with me on that matter. Shall we, dear ? Alrighty.

You are your enemy. Your one and only enemy. You treat yourself like you’re someone you loathe. Maybe not now, but at some point you did it, or you will do it. And I am right about it, don’t try to work against my words, and you wanna know why ? Because there must be at least one thing in this life that you said NO to, denied it for yourself. And I’m not talking about things that imply boundaries, but the little things that make you go down memory lane, sigh, and say to yourself ” I wonder why I’ve never done that. ” . Three words for you…

… COULDA, WOULDA, SHOULDA.

We are so busy regreting things or making plans, that we neglect our greatest present: the present. It’s like parents fighting over custody, while they’re both busy poitinting out pros and cons, the child stands in the middle,feeling lost. The same with us, while we are living in the past, or thinking about our bright and impossible future, your present state of mind is being tortured. It’s like the limbo of the living things. I’m not saying you should go after whatever’s out there without giving it any thoughts, we must always be careful, but don’t forget that from being careful to being a loser there’s only one step. I believe I have three words for you…

…. START SAYING YES !

You know what ? I said yes to a crazy thing. Insane, I’m telling you. The kind of thing I never thought I’d do, for me or anyone else. I embraced the present, accepted the opportunity and my state of mind changed with the blink of an eye. Of course, I had my doubts at first, but why torture myself with such thoughts, when I can stay positive about it and make the best of it ? I’m happy I said yes, I’m still enjoying it, and I’m thinking about what’s next with excitement. With one simple yes I managed to control my three important selves…

PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE. 

You see, when you accept that something could make you happy, when you are willing to believe more in your twisted little brain, things might amaze you ! You give people advices all the time, but you can’t be your own adviser. You expect others to believe in your wise words but you won’t even listen to a THREE LETTER WORD. If your way of thinking is working for me and helped me a lot when I was troubled, what makes you think it won’t work for you as well ? Doubts are killing us, me, you, them, everyone. Stupid people are not full of doubts, and they’re happy and joyful. Ironic, isn’t it ? I don’t encourage you to act stupid or think like an idiot, I’m just saying that you should give more chances to yourself. Sometimes we need to go with the flow, and one good result could change your past, your future, and make an awesome you in the present. YOU, another three letter word you should be more fond of. So…

… ONE, TWO, THREE, GO !

 

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Where there’s smoke…

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Do you remember my friend, the one I was telling you about a few posts ago ? If you don’t, I suggest you check out her insanity here . Like I said before, we are very similar so whenever she’s going through a rough patch, I understand her better than anyone. 

I told my friend that the man she was seeing could be a lesson and I was right. He managed to sum up all the things a woman likes, loves and fears. He’s a contradiction of his own person, very honest yet a big liar. Very modest, yet so confident. So mature, but acting like a child. Very smart, but pretending he doesn’t get you. He was danger disguised as perfection.

Does she hate him? No. 

Would she give him chances after chances, in order to win him on her side? Yes. 

Would she go through all that again, even though she knows what’s in it for her ? Yes.

Is she out of her mind? Absolutely.

I don’t judge, because I’ve made some big mistakes over the years, my closet is full of such things. But I do wonder… Many, many things. And I want to understand, how is it possible to care for someone who cares for you as much as they care for an object in their home, one they use once in a while ? And how is it possible to even care, after such a short time ? Is it because she got rejected ? She doesn’t know, I certainly don’t know, but someone out there must know. Do we really develop feelings for those who don’t care as much as we do ? Is rejection the ultimate aphrodisiac ? 

Maybe some people are in love with the idea of being loved, others fear the idea of being alone. When these two meet… That’s a molotov cocktail you’ve created based on your own thoughts and reactions. And you didn’t just create it, you agreed to set yourself on fire and burn with desire, the impossible desire of having what was not designed to be yours. Cheers to you ! Maybe one day we’ll learn, until is too late. Too late to realize that some wounds  are meant to become scars, and there will be some people in our lives at one point that won’t deserve to stare at our scars while trying to love us for what we are. 

So what’s it gonna be ? Self destruction or self defense ? 

The Art of trying

Beautiful people, here’s my latest one for Irevuo, hope you will enjoy it !

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art_tryingBefore starting this post, I gathered my little minions and they all knew what they had to do in order to help me write : my coffee was hot, my cigarettes were more than plenty, and my jazz track-list was two hours long. I don’t need two hours to write a post, but I do like to stare at the screen every ten minutes, to enjoy the blank inside my head. I didn’t make this introduction for nothing and the reason for doing it is because I want to open the Pandora box, also known as Inspiration.

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Thank you.

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Good morning, good evening or even good night, but whatever it is make it good. Wow, so much good vibe in my first line, can’t believe it’s actually me writing it. This post is inspired by another blogger, more or less. The thing is, ever since I started counting my blessings instead of my problems, it’s like my problems don’t even bother me that much and they’re not the hustle I thought they were. Today I’m thankful.

My first thank you goes to mother nature. I am a huge fan, girlfriend ! You smell amazing, in fact you are the reason I refuse to sleep with a closed window. I love the way you wake me up in the morning, with that perfume of new day, brand new fresh air brought from all the beautiful places on earth ! At least that’s how I like to imagine it, that I’m breathing the Positano air which travelled especially for me and sat at my window to caress my senses. Don’t even get me started on the smell of rain, especially at night. It’s not much of a lullaby for me, but it sure brings a certain fragrance that I am always anxious to breath in more and more. Another smell that intoxicates my feelings is the smell of books. New, old, doesn’t matter, it’s still a book and it smells like an artificial forest of words, it’s a little piece of nature that you can bring in bed with you.

I also want to thank my eyes. Not because they’re brown and dull, but because they’re big enough to let me capture everything! They help me smile or even laugh, they help me learn or even cry.They feed my curiosity constantly. And even though my sight isn’t perfect, I am so thankful that they work with me every single time, even if I am mean and don’t help them with glasses. I can’t imagine life without seeing curtains blown by wind or the flowers on my terrace dancing around or even the waves making love to the sand beneath them. And for those of you who haven’t seen Rome… Bucket list, now 🙂

But these categories wouldn’t be possible without my brain, isn’t it ? THANK YOU for working in such a way, that I always see beyond things. You help me go so far, that I sometimes even forget to go back. And another thing you showed me is that I don’t need to go back, there’s always left or right ! I can’t help it, I’m feeling blessed, ’cause after all these years of hardcore partying and sleepless nights, you still work at a capacity that sometimes I find it to be more than amazing ! I am sorry I drowned you in negativity, I can tell you are way happier now and all our other functions work better than ever. You help me write, you help me say no and even more often say yes, but that’s not even the point ! No matter what my mistakes are, you always help me get over them, like no best friend could do, you never worked against me, I am the one who worked against you this whole time.  Even if there are fields you never let me explore, I know it’s because you wanted me to bloom in what I like and be the best at it !

I am sure there are many, many other reasons to be thankful for, but these are the main things that help me go through life and find happiness. Sometimes, a sad face is just a smile seen upside down, so if you need to make an effort and twist things around, do it. I don’t mean to sound fake, because you people know better than anyone that I’ve had my rough days, if anything, I hope I will set myself as an example and show you that even the darkest places had a climpse of light once and you can set a fire even with a candle. You just need to know how to use it.

Keep it poppin’ !

Vitamin B

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Yuuuuhuuuuuuu ! Anyone here ? Long absence, my lovely readers, I promise it won’t happen again. I’ve been busy, doing things that everyone does nowadays : writing, looking for happiness in all the wrong places,searching the cure for cancer… The good news is I think I found happiness !

My happiness translates as Vitamin B ! Again, making no sense is part of who I am, so if you don’t understand what I’m saying, I suggest you be a good guy/gal and read this. It might help you understand the twisted brain I am constantly wearing with pride wherever I go.

Because I’m a writer, I had to “dress” my happy thought with a gown, ’cause that’s what we people do all the time, we take a small amount of something and turn it into “everything” .

So back to my Vitamin B. Like my friend likes to say, we only accept the love we think we deserve, but then again, in the end it doesn’t matter what you see in them, but what they will do for you. Oh, my friend… I finally got that right. I am not a person who likes to settle, maybe that’s why I find it very hard when it comes to making a choice. But once you make it and starts filling you up with positivity, you can’t stop choosing. That’s the thing about vitamins… you need them constantly in order to work fine.

Find your missing “something”. Make a choice, go with the instinct. Usually, when we picture something, a moment for instance, it instantly gives us a feeling, let that feeling guide you. When things don’t go right, just go left with them, don’t force what is not meant to happen. If experience taught me something, is that whatever’s meant to be yours, will eventually find a way to become yours.

Keep it poppin’ !

Art is the new black

My last piece ! Check it out, I am sure there are a lot of people agreeing with me on this one 🙂
Keep it poppin’, fellas!

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art_blackAs promised, here it is, another article about art. In my opinion, art isn’t something to be discussed in a few lines, so I feel like I didn’t make it any justice. The reason I believe so, is because the other day I only managed to establish one of the rules, today I feel like covering another aspect.

We are surrounded by many forms of art ; movies, music, poetry, novels, paintings, whatever floats your boat. Everyone is free to embrace it as they wish but things aren’t going exactly like they used to and I am aware that sounds like a cliche. Unfortunately, it’s true.

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Yeah, ok… Wait, what? No.

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I am furious. I am so furious,I feel like using all the synonyms in order to explain how furious I am. But I’m probably overreacting, I am a woman after all. So yeah, that being said, I will let you be the judge of it.

” Why so furious ? ”

Well let’s see… We create standards along the years, some of them are fake, just something you want to try, and others are well intentioned ’cause you probably had enough of X and needed to change the pattern, which is perfectly normal, no one likes to walk in circles. On hot stone.

But what if the standard is fake ? That kind of shallow standard, just something you’re convinced you deserve and won’t give up until you achieve that bloody thing. Are you still going to walk on hot stone ? I think you will. Because you obviously think you deserve having IT.

Ok, I will try to explain this so I don’t sound high again but you’re probably used to it by now.

You’re point A. Both B and C want to be your destination, and you’re confused, one’s on the left and one’s on the right. B and C both have ups and downs, and they both sound equally attractive. B has more to offer, it’s closer to you, the road isn’t that tricky… But the perk of accepting the C road is that you’re gonna be happier when getting there. You worked hard for it, isn’t it ? You’re happy you finally made it. These are the offers.

Let’s say you accept point B. It wasn’t much of a thrill, ’cause it was right there, waiting for you to take the first step. It feels great having a destination and it has always been the easy way so you’re going to enjoy that for a while, it’s what we call safe. Yup, safe and happy.

If you go towards C, you’re in for a bumpy ride. The road is long, you can’t see the destination point clearly ’cause it’s so damn far but you’re excited, you don’t know what’s there. So you start making scenarios, you’re happy about it. It feels great having a challenge, doesn’t it ?

Again, I might sound like I am making no sense.

Pick a damn side, human ! Use the insticts, that’s why they are called this way, to help you with making choices. One of the things that makes people unhappy is not choosing at all ! We think too much, we want to go there, then we want to get on the other side, then we get lost.

If you’re asking yourselves why am I so furious, is because I didn’t exactly give you a straight answer. I am one of those folks who will get lost 9/10. I am the person who will always get lost, because I never know what I want. The pattern is right there and I’m still like ” Yeah, I don’t know what to say…. Maybe I should…. Yeah, I should do that or…. Yeah, maybe I will change my mind again. Yeah, I don’t know ”

Yeah,yeah,yeah… No wonder the GPS voice is always a woman’s voice, I’m telling you, I should be THE voice, the mother of all GPS systems, then I will get you all lost and I won’t be feeling stupid all by myself. Damn it, brain. I will make a list starting today.

And just do you know… Applying this A-B-C thing in real life, on different aspects, will always give you a different perspective. It’s only the goal that makes you choose wisely.

 

When you feel like having enough, you’re far from having it all

 

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My gorgeous people from all around the world, I have breaking news for you : you are dealing with a psycho. I believe I am the definition of moody and I let you guys know that quite often, my blog divides in two sides, even if I have no categories : my “I’m cool, I’m relaxed, sort of happy” side, and my ” get out of my face” side. The reason I have no categories or tags is because I wouldn’t know how to classify things, but that is a totally different story. 

The human mind is like a closet. One must keep it organized, divide things, separate them all the time, toss or keep it safe, whatever. Well, mine’s a lumber room. I honestly have no idea what’s going on there, if there’s something I need or like, I will definitely have a hard time finding it, cause it’s buried underneath this pile of crap. And that’s when the struggle begins… I try, and try some more, then I let you people know how hard it is finding it, 150 years later I finally find it and I let you people know that once again.

I said it before and I will say it again, maybe we aren’t artists unless there’s a big pile of nonsense that we need to fold and put aside. And the way I see it, when you’re living in a lumber room, it’s rather hard finding something worth keeping, talking about or even looking at it. In a much simpler way, artists or those of us who are trying to become one ( that would be me ), will never settle for a medium way to deal with their issues. There always has to be something, a sacrifice involved, someone to step over, some punch you need to recover from. So yes, we are cursed on letting emotions out in a dignified way. 

Yesterday I deleted my accounts from… pretty much everywhere, except this one and my e-mail adress. It felt like 2005 again, I forgot what’s it like being excited ’cause you are waiting for someone to reply to your e-mail. Some people would go for moving furniture around the house, well I can’t do that cause everything is huge around here. So my feng-shui has to be changed somehow and I chose this method. 

Those of you who panicked for not seeing me online anywhere, no, I am not dead, I didn’t block you people, I’m just trying to work my way through life without your drama, I got plenty. Bukowski didn’t need these things so I don’t need them either. All I need is time, time to fold, pick whatever’s left in there, sit, write and obviously bleed. 

Keep it poppin’ !

Love me if you dare

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I had a few battles over the last few months. Mostly, I’m a loser… I’m not ashamed to say it, I only lost because I was strong enough to fight, who cares If I wasn’t a winner?

Let me answer that… I kind of know I am a loser, so yeah, I care if I’m a loser. But you wanna know why ?

There are some folks wandering that love me, no matter what.There is this guy that inspires me and makes me feel like I am the most aweome person walking, dead or alive. He was the first real contact I had with love, the mature kind. We’ve never had romance, the consuming, exhausting kind. He was my best friend. I loved this person so much, I was willing to catch a bullet for him. Crazy enough? Not really.

I was engaged. I promised him the stars, the moon, and whatever was left in there. If he was in danger, I was in danger. If he was hungry, I had to be hungry in order to feel the same way. If he was happy… I’d be the happiest person alive. When he was happy, I was dancing around the stars. My world was perfect, because he was living his dream. I only needed him to feel good about himself in order to feel good.

You wonder what happened ? I’ll tell you what. He is my best friend. I only have two, one’s a female I love from the bottom of my heart, and he’s the man I will never forget. He is the kind of person that knows when you’re acting stupid and tells you up front. If you look good, he’ll do the same. If you look like shit, he will manage to tell you the truth.

I love two people outside my family and I am taking a great risk. One of them is him, who cares? I wish you had someone like him in your life, maybe you’d know better. He’s so smart, he makes you doubt your own person. He’s such a good friend, he’d make you doubt your morals.

This post is dedicated to you, the one that never got away. You will always be part of my life, even if I want it or not. Cause you complete me.