Something borrowed, something…. new ?

I’m back on my old kitchen spot, same chair, same habits, and apparently this makes me feel inspired, unlike the comfy couch I used to abuse this whole summer ; this could only mean one thing, art really does come from pain and not comfort haha.

In these past few weeks I’ve learned a lot and not quite. I know it sounds a bit unclear but it’s quite simple actually. The reason I say this is because I’ve had all that in me but was afraid to let it out. To make the long story shorter, I will just say this : we are incredibly capable. To install Capability, follow these next steps :

1. Chill the F out.

If you think you can’t do it, you are right. If not now, in a week. And you know why ? Because you gathered so much energy around that “nuh huh” you are actually starting to live based on that stupid rule. “I can’t do this”, ” There is no way that could ever happen to me”, ” That just sounds too good to be true”, these are all tricks you’re playing on yourself. I’ve played mine for so long, I forgot there are other ways of thinking. You know how I know that? I’ve learned more italian in 2 weeks than I have in 6 months. You know why ? Because ” AHA “.

2. Take a look around.

You are surrounded by humans, aren’t you? Oh well, unless those humans aren’t working for NASA, I don’t see how you couldn’t set a bar for yourself. Let me FEED ya hopes with this certain example : I am in charge of students signing up for english classes. That’s what I do for a living. I see tons of people daily that want to learn english and without being rude or anything, most of them are at the “What’s your name?” level. So here’s what I said to myself : I am not a native english speaker, but my english is better than theirs could ever be, even with these classes, so what’s stopping me from believing that my italian couldn’t follow ? NOTHING. No one around you knows everything they know at the moment because they were born this way. I can’t even say that I’m ambitious. I just wanted to add another “checked” on my list and so I did.

3. No matter what, you are not a fool.

You could be, if people would say you suck and you genuinly think they are right. Now I’m not talking about rocket science or singing at the opera, but the little things. If you think you could move to another country and start a new life, you are right. If you think you can afford a new car, you are also right. Maybe you don’t succeed right away, because let’s face it, who does? But I’m sure that you’ll always be one step closer than the day before if you don’t stop moving. Imagine your journey is a walk through an alley that shows you pieces of your dreams. Aren’t you getting excited of seeing them out there? I know you are. So further on, imagine that the closer you get,the better you start seeing them. Like a person without glasses who tries to read small subtitles, getting closer to the screen will always help that person see things clearly and read properly.

So my dear friend… What I’m trying to say is : don’t chicken out, don’t be afraid of how others might see you, they might actually admire you even if they don’t show it and never forget what your goal is. I don’t want to sound like a know-it-all who suddenly starts giving life lessons because she had a win, I just hope others are smarter than me and believe more in themselves and will start taking action now. Keep me posted, fellas. And more importantly, keep it poppin’ 😉

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I’m not moving on

I am well aware of the fact that my writing has abandoned me, I guess I’ve been so confused I didn’t know what to write about, where to begin and how to end all of this. Long story short, I thought that I had nothing to say. The reason I decided to write something today is because I felt the need to take a load off, now I understand people with diaries ; when things get hard, they open their little notebooks and write down their feelings in a confessional manner. I don’t have a diary, but I have a blog, or so I used to.

In order to feel complete, I had this constant need to fill in a puzzle. At times it felt like brain surgery and so are those other moments when I just felt blessed for having a perspective for my future and a few other things to enjoy in the present. As a note to self, I will underline the fact that I’ve never stopped playing with fire. I know I’m getting burned, I can even point out the area that is getting burned and I’m still going for it. Some might say that makes me stronger, others will say that I’m just a fool. I say that I made a habit out of being responsible for my own misery. I always push it to the limit like my life depends on it and once I’ve reached that limit I’m asking “Why me?” .

When you’re the one destroying your fairytale, you’re basically stealing from yourself. I stole my right to be happy and my whole universe. But where do you hide when your universe is running away from you ? There’s nothing left but the black hole pulling you in. And you allow it, the inertia this situation puts you through is so big, you can’t even tell that you might not find the way out.

Achieving your goals has no meaning when on the other hand you just start losing things. Or people. Or people that make all the things around you beautiful.  I’m sorry I’m stubborn and selfish. I can’t push people into making my thoughts reality. Oh, now I know that. Too little, too late.

I hope he reads this.