Remember me

Up until now, I wasn’t a fan of chick flicks, romantic comedies, or romance in general. In fact, I somehow avoided movies that in my opinion, were nothing but… oh well, lame. All that changed when I found myself googling “movies to watch after a break up” . Now, aren’t I a clichee ? Needless to say that I cried my pretty much everything out because I can cope with all the stuff I’ve watched so far. There is, though, one thing that I cannot cope with… Oblivion.

Basically, when two mature adults love each other but realise their future together is meant to fail, they decide to break up. Well I’m obviously not an adult, more of a masochist fighter that holds on to whatever it is left. This could be the most complicated thing I have ever done, which is waiting to fall out of love, yes, we’re waiting to fall out of love with each other. We’re waiting for the memories not to give us a hit in the stomach anymore, waiting for the most beautiful part of our lives not to give us pain anymore. Isn’t that the weirdest contradiction of them all ? And to make it even better, the Universe insists to remind you that half of the memories you have belong to him. I’m angry with the Universe. Let me tell you what it has done to me, other than the obvious.

It doesn’t let me enjoy Led Zeppelin nor Pink Floyd like I used to. Because I remember of that time when I just got him a Pink Floyd CD and we listened to it while he was fixing his guitar case. Oh, yes. That’s another thing… Guitars… I had a funny habit, whenever I used to hear a kickass solo guitar I would picture him playing it on a stage and me in front of him, acting like a groupie who just saw David Gilmour live.

It doesn’t let me finish a book I love. Because it was a present from him and it’s a constant reminder of how well he knew me and how much I want to be a spoiler before he sees the movie.

It doesn’t let me use perfume anymore. I’m in love with my perfume, it’s what I’ve been searching for my whole life, a fragrance that would best describe me. Now I can only remember how he used to ask me to spray it around ; on that pillow with Star Wars we bought together, on the hair scrunchie I left at his house, on his scarf. It reminds me that someone loved the combination of my skin and that fragrance, that someone was constantly putting his nose against my neck and took a deep breath, smiling.

It doesn’t let me watch my favourite sagas. Now, I’ve always enjoyed these series , but they got a different meaning since I started falling asleep watching Lord of The Rings with my head on someone’s chest. We used to make fun of each other, he would call me a Muggle, I would call him a dwarf who can only think about food. Or a really sensitive werewolf, and then I would become a wannabe vampire.

It doesn’t let me go to my favourite spots in Rome. Like mentioned in a previous post, it all seems so fresh, I’m tempted to believe it’s still real and start talking with him, right there, in that spot. It takes about 5 seconds for the reality to hit you.

It doesn’t let me enjoy the good things happening to me, or the funny experiences I’m living. We used to keep one other posted with the most insignificant things, now I can’t do that, it would be weird. I can’t tell him that I just passed by the creepiest person ever and start describing it, because I’d probably leave him like ” … why are you telling me this ? “. We went from laughing to frowning, just like that.

It doesn’t let me be happy. I can’t be happy when someone is trying to forget about me. Oblivion scares the hell out of me. I’m afraid that one day I will wake up and not feel anything when I think of him. I’m afraid that one day I will see him with a girl he just met and I’ll still be trying to get over him. I’m afraid we will forget how important we were to each other and stop talking, like two people who never met. I’m afraid, because I’m forced to let go of something that was the top of the mountain. I’m still falling. And…I’m afraid that if I will keep falling, once I reach the ground, I will never be able to stand up again.


3 thoughts on “Remember me

  1. You don’t need to hide from those memories. Just pack them away out of your mind for now and find new things to do. One day you will re-open that place in your heart and be able to enjoy the memories without bitterness. By then you will have new memories. Your heart is big enough to hold many of them. The important thing about this time is that one day you will be able to remember without hurt that you were loved at this point in your life and that you loved in return. One should never deny oneself that – you just need to wait until it doesn’t hurt so much. I know it won’t be easy but I wish you all the best.

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