Sweet & Sour

You know how they say ” When life gives you lemons ( insert whatever here ) ” ? Most of the people I know would jump to making lemonades, having a tequila shot, squeezing them bastards into someone’s eyes and so on. You know what ? That’s silly.

Why can’t we just face the facts once in a while and eat the damn lemons ? I know it’s not the most pleasent feeling in the world, but hey, how else are you going to learn ? If you don’t know how bad it is, you will never know how to approach it in a safe way. And yes, we are not talking about lemons, ladies and gents. We, or at least I am talking about how we refuse to deal with what’s bothering us, fruits or not, you can’t have the perfect basket.

I don’t mean to sound all wise and a know-it-all, but there’s nothing more refreshing than acknowledging your surroundings. Once you start dealing with it, it becomes a part of your past and as long as you ignore it, it will always be in your future.I don’t know what made me write about these things, it could be the fact that I’m under the effect of two sleeping pills, or that maybe there’s someone out there who was in desperate need to hear this.

Be a warrior, not a worrier.

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La dolce vita

It’s been almost a year.

I won’t panic. I won’t think about people that I left home and that I’m desperately missing.

I won’t talk about how hard it is.

Today is about me, this brand new concept that I’ve never met before. The person I used to admire when I was looking at someone else. I am that person now.

Few months ago I said to myself ” be the type of person you’d love to have around, hang out with” and so that’s what I became. Happiness is definitely a roller coaster and I knew it from the start that better days were about to come.

We’re in charge of our own destiny, we all know that but I’ve always had this major problem : I expect others to make me happy, not in the regular way, it’s actually quite simple : I need constant human contact. This is what makes me happy, having people around me that are easy going, trigger people’s emotions with what I have to say, taking care of other’s. I don’t want them to do things for me, I want them to let me do things for them. This could be the least selfish thing about me.

It gives me a great load of satisfaction knowing that you are standing by my side and you’re wishing for the moment not to end. I managed to mix who I am with what I love doing, most of the people I know have trouble in finding a balance and I don’t blame them, we often take life for granted and expect to receive. Turns out that I can only receive once I start giving away, I suppose that’s the secret.

One year here turned me into half of the person that I’ve always wanted to become. It helped me build dreams around me. This is why I always mention on this blog that we’re supposed to move once we’re not content. Living in Rome taught me that it’s fine having dinner on your own, wandering around and getting lost, having too much gelato, smiling at people, not being afraid of meeting new ones. I’ve learned that the city is big enough for me to make a mistake or two, big enough to get lost and allow others to find you.

No one here can say my name right. Back home, Ioana is just a common name, 5 out of 10 girls are named Ioana. Here I’m special, they can barely pronounce it and they make it sound so unique that actually influences my entire being, I’ve started feeling special from head to toe thanks to finally acknowledging that starting fresh is what brought me here in the first place. If I’m seen as someone special, why shouldn’t I become special ?

And so I did. The most special person in my life, living in my never ending Roman holiday, being happy when others are happy, feeling grateful that those around me want me to be there and stay for as long as I can, I am my significant other. Others are just passengers in my boat and I’m the one crossing them over, they’re not in my boat because I need their help to cross the sea. I just help them appreciate the journey. Waves, wind, storm, sun, it’s all in there.

Girl on the move will never stop moving. But she finally moved on.

Remember me

Up until now, I wasn’t a fan of chick flicks, romantic comedies, or romance in general. In fact, I somehow avoided movies that in my opinion, were nothing but… oh well, lame. All that changed when I found myself googling “movies to watch after a break up” . Now, aren’t I a clichee ? Needless to say that I cried my pretty much everything out because I can cope with all the stuff I’ve watched so far. There is, though, one thing that I cannot cope with… Oblivion.

Basically, when two mature adults love each other but realise their future together is meant to fail, they decide to break up. Well I’m obviously not an adult, more of a masochist fighter that holds on to whatever it is left. This could be the most complicated thing I have ever done, which is waiting to fall out of love, yes, we’re waiting to fall out of love with each other. We’re waiting for the memories not to give us a hit in the stomach anymore, waiting for the most beautiful part of our lives not to give us pain anymore. Isn’t that the weirdest contradiction of them all ? And to make it even better, the Universe insists to remind you that half of the memories you have belong to him. I’m angry with the Universe. Let me tell you what it has done to me, other than the obvious.

It doesn’t let me enjoy Led Zeppelin nor Pink Floyd like I used to. Because I remember of that time when I just got him a Pink Floyd CD and we listened to it while he was fixing his guitar case. Oh, yes. That’s another thing… Guitars… I had a funny habit, whenever I used to hear a kickass solo guitar I would picture him playing it on a stage and me in front of him, acting like a groupie who just saw David Gilmour live.

It doesn’t let me finish a book I love. Because it was a present from him and it’s a constant reminder of how well he knew me and how much I want to be a spoiler before he sees the movie.

It doesn’t let me use perfume anymore. I’m in love with my perfume, it’s what I’ve been searching for my whole life, a fragrance that would best describe me. Now I can only remember how he used to ask me to spray it around ; on that pillow with Star Wars we bought together, on the hair scrunchie I left at his house, on his scarf. It reminds me that someone loved the combination of my skin and that fragrance, that someone was constantly putting his nose against my neck and took a deep breath, smiling.

It doesn’t let me watch my favourite sagas. Now, I’ve always enjoyed these series , but they got a different meaning since I started falling asleep watching Lord of The Rings with my head on someone’s chest. We used to make fun of each other, he would call me a Muggle, I would call him a dwarf who can only think about food. Or a really sensitive werewolf, and then I would become a wannabe vampire.

It doesn’t let me go to my favourite spots in Rome. Like mentioned in a previous post, it all seems so fresh, I’m tempted to believe it’s still real and start talking with him, right there, in that spot. It takes about 5 seconds for the reality to hit you.

It doesn’t let me enjoy the good things happening to me, or the funny experiences I’m living. We used to keep one other posted with the most insignificant things, now I can’t do that, it would be weird. I can’t tell him that I just passed by the creepiest person ever and start describing it, because I’d probably leave him like ” … why are you telling me this ? “. We went from laughing to frowning, just like that.

It doesn’t let me be happy. I can’t be happy when someone is trying to forget about me. Oblivion scares the hell out of me. I’m afraid that one day I will wake up and not feel anything when I think of him. I’m afraid that one day I will see him with a girl he just met and I’ll still be trying to get over him. I’m afraid we will forget how important we were to each other and stop talking, like two people who never met. I’m afraid, because I’m forced to let go of something that was the top of the mountain. I’m still falling. And…I’m afraid that if I will keep falling, once I reach the ground, I will never be able to stand up again.

This is it

10952555_780943831974551_5522685482459708976_n This is where we stopped one night to talk about our future. You were telling me about how I shouldn’t give up on making a future here especially now cause we found each other. You made it look worth fighting for. Now I stopped here today just to think about our past.

af9c065c1be4b04dec396be9bd03784cThis is where I promised you that one day I will afford buying whatever I want on this street. It was right before my job interview and we were both so excited, we were already thinking about how we should go somewhere this summer, do something fun. I came here today to ask for happiness but they had none.

10978545_780948535307414_8475568425367739231_n This is where we enjoyed yet another perfect night out, doing nothing, just wandering around. We took some pictures and smiled as a whole, then did some window shopping, joking around about how we’re going to buy stuff for each other worth thousands and thousands of euros. The only thousands I cherish right now are valued in memories.

It’s dessert time, bitches !

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Oh. Hi there ! Everything alright ? Are we still friends and stuff? Oh goody, I was feeling scared for a sec. So listen up, I was in the kitchen having my coffee like I usually do, but only this time I decided to start listening again to music while enjoying my dirty morning habits. You might say this isn’t strange,everyone listens to music and yes, my friend, you are right.I’ve just been so busy I totally forgot about the things that bring me joy. So here I am, easily nodding , and then BOOM, the mighty monologue hits me :

“Write a post on the blog !”

“What? No way, I don’t know what to write about. Nuh-uh.”

“Oh come on. At least go check out the newsfeed.”

“Mkay, I’ll just take a look. Oh, Irevuo, totally forgot about this. I only wrote two posts, why did I ever stop? Oh my, so many likes. Lemme just go through the comment section one more time. ”

Okay so it kinda went like this and then I stopped because I almost shed a tear ( ” LIAR ! ” ) . All that appreciation, all the validation from strangers made me go down memory lane and I only remember two things from my dark times :

1. How miserable I was for more than six months.

2. How happy I was during these six months for at least two hours a day, when I used to write and read all the feedback.

I decided to start writing in order not to die from sadness. Yes, I could be exaggerating right now but trust me, amigo, I wish you zero seconds of that brain masacre I was putting myself through. Or maybe just ten seconds so that you can see the difference between allowing yourself to go through hell or just sacrifice and pretend it’s not real and move on with your day ( It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it, isn’t it ? )

The truth is, I slipped in and forgot I could rescue myself and when I found the writing method, it was already too late for me. Not only I was creeped out by what my brain was inventing, I had to recap all that when I decided to put it on paper. Maybe I was waiting for this rescue to come from all the wrong sources, I forgot I am THE source. As much as it sounds like a cliche, life isn’t always cream and peaches, like someone I know used to tell me. So, in order to enjoy the life, grow your own peaches, man ! Maybe I am a little hypocrite now because I’m having some “cream and peaches” moment and I decided to share my dessert with you, but if I run out of it tomorrow I’ll just come here and make some more.

This is my rescue, the sanity I need lies in here. One shouldn’t wait till hitting rock bottom, it’s like going to a doctor, I suppose, or doing the groceries, we always wait till the very last moment, till we’re sick as hell, till the fridge is empty and you open it only to find some mustard inside and some olives ( or am I the only lazy person who does these things around here ? ).

And because I don’t want to end this post with a self-irony that doesn’t flatter me at all, I shall ( “not pass”, I feel like saying. And ahead I will go now. ) get up and smack your face everytime you feel like insulting your intelligence and believe you’re less worthy than you actually are. And I invite you to do the same in two, three days, when I’ll come here to complain about God knows what. Okay Ioana, you may go now. -_-

P.S.  Thank you for you attention and keep it poppin’ !

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands

I want to resurrect this blog, as it was the only thing that kept me going through my first long months here in Rome. I don’t want to blame lack of time, I think it was just a matter of “I got nothing to say”. But even though my posts had weeks between them, I couldn’t help but notice that the bloggers following me kept increasing, those who appreciated my writing never delayed to appear and do it one more time, and the good comments kept rolling. This was just a proof, mostly to myself, that the quality of writing has, well, not a lot to do with the frequency of one’s posting new stuff.

I can write in only two states of mind : I’m either extremely depressed or utterly happy. In the past few months I wasn’t really secure of what’s going on, hence the big biiiiiig pause. I gotta say, quality really does get born of one’s sweat,tears and blood. I’ve never meant to be mediocre and write about stuff that everyone could notice. No, as far as I’m concerned, my intention was to point out what you, as a reader, were going through but couldn’t tell,  and explain it in a brutal yet effective fashion. And so I thought that it was time for me to lay down and enjoy/see what life has to offer before starting to understand you again.

I’m a people person. I cry when someone is in pain and I cry as well when someone’s happy. Emotion makes me emotional, yes, especially if it comes from someone else. This makes me very vulnerable, a target even, but I couldn’t care less. I don’t want to seem a rock just to make people fear my thoughts, I’m more of a sponge who absorbs feelings. This is who I was my entire life and I’m not chancing because some people might think of me as a fool. And to be fair, I can’t change, this is what I’m made of, why should I be afraid to be sensitive? Even if I wanted to, I’d be just like a Grinch pretending to hate when deep down I’m as soft as a marshmellow. And I like marshmellows, they’re yummy. We’re so afraid to show emotion because of what people might think of us, we’ve becomed unreachable. So desperate not to show pain, we forgot we’re suffering and we carry on to our baggage forgetting how much it weights and  how to be happy again. So scared of failure, we’re counting our steps as we proceed.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we’d all switch on our emotions outside our apartments ? When someone does something wrong, absurdly wrong, we call that person an animal. What a compliment that is ! That person couldn’t be more far from being an animal, because at least them live according to their feelings even if they can’t rationalize things. And we can do both, feel and rationalize. So I’m asking you… Why not combine those two things ? A little bit of this and a little bit of that makes a beautiful whole.

I’d rather inspire 5 people with my emotions than make 100 fear me with my lack of sensitivity, that’s all I’m saying. In all aspects of life.

Something borrowed, something…. new ?

I’m back on my old kitchen spot, same chair, same habits, and apparently this makes me feel inspired, unlike the comfy couch I used to abuse this whole summer ; this could only mean one thing, art really does come from pain and not comfort haha.

In these past few weeks I’ve learned a lot and not quite. I know it sounds a bit unclear but it’s quite simple actually. The reason I say this is because I’ve had all that in me but was afraid to let it out. To make the long story shorter, I will just say this : we are incredibly capable. To install Capability, follow these next steps :

1. Chill the F out.

If you think you can’t do it, you are right. If not now, in a week. And you know why ? Because you gathered so much energy around that “nuh huh” you are actually starting to live based on that stupid rule. “I can’t do this”, ” There is no way that could ever happen to me”, ” That just sounds too good to be true”, these are all tricks you’re playing on yourself. I’ve played mine for so long, I forgot there are other ways of thinking. You know how I know that? I’ve learned more italian in 2 weeks than I have in 6 months. You know why ? Because ” AHA “.

2. Take a look around.

You are surrounded by humans, aren’t you? Oh well, unless those humans aren’t working for NASA, I don’t see how you couldn’t set a bar for yourself. Let me FEED ya hopes with this certain example : I am in charge of students signing up for english classes. That’s what I do for a living. I see tons of people daily that want to learn english and without being rude or anything, most of them are at the “What’s your name?” level. So here’s what I said to myself : I am not a native english speaker, but my english is better than theirs could ever be, even with these classes, so what’s stopping me from believing that my italian couldn’t follow ? NOTHING. No one around you knows everything they know at the moment because they were born this way. I can’t even say that I’m ambitious. I just wanted to add another “checked” on my list and so I did.

3. No matter what, you are not a fool.

You could be, if people would say you suck and you genuinly think they are right. Now I’m not talking about rocket science or singing at the opera, but the little things. If you think you could move to another country and start a new life, you are right. If you think you can afford a new car, you are also right. Maybe you don’t succeed right away, because let’s face it, who does? But I’m sure that you’ll always be one step closer than the day before if you don’t stop moving. Imagine your journey is a walk through an alley that shows you pieces of your dreams. Aren’t you getting excited of seeing them out there? I know you are. So further on, imagine that the closer you get,the better you start seeing them. Like a person without glasses who tries to read small subtitles, getting closer to the screen will always help that person see things clearly and read properly.

So my dear friend… What I’m trying to say is : don’t chicken out, don’t be afraid of how others might see you, they might actually admire you even if they don’t show it and never forget what your goal is. I don’t want to sound like a know-it-all who suddenly starts giving life lessons because she had a win, I just hope others are smarter than me and believe more in themselves and will start taking action now. Keep me posted, fellas. And more importantly, keep it poppin’ 😉

I’m not moving on

I am well aware of the fact that my writing has abandoned me, I guess I’ve been so confused I didn’t know what to write about, where to begin and how to end all of this. Long story short, I thought that I had nothing to say. The reason I decided to write something today is because I felt the need to take a load off, now I understand people with diaries ; when things get hard, they open their little notebooks and write down their feelings in a confessional manner. I don’t have a diary, but I have a blog, or so I used to.

In order to feel complete, I had this constant need to fill in a puzzle. At times it felt like brain surgery and so are those other moments when I just felt blessed for having a perspective for my future and a few other things to enjoy in the present. As a note to self, I will underline the fact that I’ve never stopped playing with fire. I know I’m getting burned, I can even point out the area that is getting burned and I’m still going for it. Some might say that makes me stronger, others will say that I’m just a fool. I say that I made a habit out of being responsible for my own misery. I always push it to the limit like my life depends on it and once I’ve reached that limit I’m asking “Why me?” .

When you’re the one destroying your fairytale, you’re basically stealing from yourself. I stole my right to be happy and my whole universe. But where do you hide when your universe is running away from you ? There’s nothing left but the black hole pulling you in. And you allow it, the inertia this situation puts you through is so big, you can’t even tell that you might not find the way out.

Achieving your goals has no meaning when on the other hand you just start losing things. Or people. Or people that make all the things around you beautiful.  I’m sorry I’m stubborn and selfish. I can’t push people into making my thoughts reality. Oh, now I know that. Too little, too late.

I hope he reads this.

Life’s a beach

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I’m a bad,bad mother. I abandoned my baby, let him starve. My baby was left alone. No one checked on him for a while, strangers came by to look at whatever was left of him. Some laughed, some were anxious to see more. 

I’m talking about my blog, you freaks. I guess I am that type of person who can’t multitask or even do a good job on two different departments. Yeah, well, that’s me, deal with it. I’m a perfectionist, I refuse to share my attention somewhere else if I’m 100% into whatever it is that I do at the moment. But that wasn’t the topic for today. Since the summer is almost gone, I thought I might as well analyze the situation a bit and the result is Beach vs. Real life. Let’s get into it, shall we ? 

1. As long as you’re on the beach, you can drink whatever you want, people won’t judge you. Eager to have a beer at 11 am ? You’re on the beach, brother. That is totally acceptable. Wanna share a champagne with your friends while staring at the sea ? Wanna sip a cocktail before having breakfast ? Again, you’re on the beach, amigo. The amount of alcohol doesn’t matter as long as there’s sand in places sand should never be. 

Let’s say a friend of yours wants to go out before lunch and you order a beer. You will instantly notice the “woa, rough day already?” look on his face. Whatever it is that you do on the beach it’s called celebration. If you do it in a random bar, enoying the city life, you might have issues. 

2.Acting totally retarded. You wanna jump? You wanna scream? You wanna jump AND scream at the same time? You wanna do all that while fighting the waves? Well be my guest, the beach is no place to be judged. 

You wanna be cuddled in the water and jumping into your partner’s arms? That’s fine, you’re at the beach. People will probably look and think “awww…cute!”

You’re in front on the mall and want to jump into your lover’s arms while laughing hysterically? Get ready for some mean looks, people laughing at you and not with you and eventually some guards telling you your behaviour is inappropriate. 

3. Being almost naked. If you’re a woman and people are staring at you on the beach, it’s fine. Your bathing suit is awesome, your tan looks perfect, your skin is flawless. If you’re a guy, that’s the perfect chance for you to show the muscles without being called a perv. 

If a woman is seen in her lingerie she will totally freak out. Yell, throw things around. So the way I see it, if you’re on the beach, even if you’re topless, it’s super fine if people are staring. If you are seen in your lingerie, everyone looking wants to rape you. Ok, seems legit. 

I’m sure I can’t be the only one who gave these situations a thought or two. To be fair, it’s mostly disturbing, we sometimes refuse to act the way we want because people are looking at us, someone might see, someone might hear, someone might know you and tell everyone then. We are so afraid of what people might think, we can only afford to have fun without the fear of being judged 3/12 months. Everybody gets excited when summer is here and then all depressed once it’s over. I think this is why some people would  go on vacation in exotic places, to enjoy some more the freedom experience. 

Let’s all move to Bora Bora. But until then, keep it poppin’ !

 

Procrastinating feelings

 

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Ohh…… HOME ! I am finally home, amigos. I promise I will never ever complain again that my bed feels uncomfortable or that my furniture is too red.That’s the thing with the good things in life that make us happy, though… We take them for granted and forget to appreciate them. Anyway, I wasn’t going to talk about my stuff, I am no IKEA freak. A while ago, I came up with a new life philosophy for myself and I have to say, I am quite surprised. It goes like this… 

If it takes too long to love something, it is not meant to be loved by you. 

I have to say, before my new love coma, I never thought I would think in such a way, some might even call it toxic, but then again, why would I procrastinate love on purpose? Me or anyone else out there. I am not just talking about love for other human beings, but also for activities, doing things,seeing places, or why not,having different objects. Some people are afraid to think about love on a short notice, thinking it’s a confusion, mixed feelings. We are tempted to confuse love with excitement, that is true. But if it makes you happy, why would you not believe in it ? Take this as an example…. You’re moving to a new home. You’re kind of meh, it’s not really your dream house. The walls could use some fixing, also the kitchen is not the right size, you could totally use some extra space but you say to yourself “hey, maybe I will start loving this place and make it feel like home one day”. Yes, that could work for a while, but you’re just fooling yourself… The feeling you will be developing it’s called accommodation. This fake dream house is nothing but just a boring couple not smiling at each other too much or having fun together. 

I see things differently than others, though. I’m not doing anything if it doesn’t feel like a bomb after another bomb. I need fun and action just the way you need a big kitchen, my friend. Why would we deny true love in our lives ? Why would we settle instead of trying harder ? One day you’re gonna wake up and start hating. 

Do it with love or stop doing it and look again. This world is so big, you don’t even have to try. Don’t you want to wake up happy instead of content ? Don’t you want to see things in a beautiful way instead of just nice ? It’s not wrong to love fast, but it could be wrong trying to tell yourself that is too early for that… But hey, that’s just me 🙂